I am a Surface Warfare Officer (SWO) for the United States Navy & I’m Blowing the Whistle on Our Toxic Work Culture

(This account was written and submitted to MLAA by the author, a U.S. Navy Surface Warfare Officer.)

September 2, 2024

I am a Surface Warfare Officer (SWO) for the United States Navy. I am speaking out about the hostile workplace and harmful culture still promoted by both the SWO community and by the Navy. During my first tour, I experienced social ostracism, harassment, and retaliation for reporting these problems. I saw leaders get away with trashing offices and calling subordinates derogatory names. I saw a victim of rape get mocked by her peers. I watched myself undergo a forcible mental health evaluation after filing a bullying/harassment complaint. I watched my world fall apart when no one believed me. I witnessed other officers mistreat, exploit, and discriminate against junior sailors.

For context, it must be understood that SWOs are billeted for a career path to eventually command ships, and these officers run entire departments and divisions and play an enormous role in the overall command climate aboard their ships. My story isn’t centered on sexual assault (though it’s part of my story) but on the abuses in authority, workplace hostility, and harassment from a Naval command that very intentionally fostered a target-rich environment for abusers.

I graduated at the top of my class, and I had the top Navy ship selection and excelled in all my Navy schools. I have years of work experience as a civilian, so I arrived to this warship ready to learn and genuinely excited about my new career in the Navy. But in the Navy is where I encountered some of the worst people I have ever met in my entire life. 

Humiliated & “Disciplined” for Reporting Pay Issues

For the first three months of being in the Navy, I was not paid. Because it was during COVID, I had nowhere to go, no base, no family nearby to stay with. I wasn’t allowed to leave beyond 50 mi of my duty station, but I commissioned nowhere near a base with any resources I could take advantage of. My OIC—a SWO Lieutenant—kept claiming the pay issue would get fixed in 2 weeks, yet I had not filled out any forms for receiving an LES, so I had to pressure him multiple times to get this paperwork. I had just finished school and owed a hefty student loan payment (due to my age, I received no Navy benefits for school). I lived out of my car, and then eventually, I rented a tiny storage room in an old hotel downtown with community bathrooms and questionable neighbors. My room was approximately 7 ft x 11 ft with a tiny window in the top corner. For three months, I asked about my pay. I had even suggested that I get modified orders and sent to the main base in Norfolk, which had the administrative capacity to solve this issue. He refused and kept me in the dark about nearly everything. He was supposed to mentor me on transitioning to the Navy. I didn’t even know some of the customs and couldn’t even order my uniforms as I had no way of getting a CAC. At one point, I sent him a message saying, “Is this pay issue going to get fixed any time soon? It’s been three months, and I’ve been struggling to financially survive.” He immediately called me and said, in a cold, angry tone, that I should never talk to him that way ever again and scolded me as if I was at fault for demanding that he do his job. I had no idea who was in my chain of command. I barely knew how the Navy worked or who to call or what to do. I was in an area well over 8 hours from a Naval base and didn’t have the means or the permission, with COVID, to go to the closest station. Eventually, after constantly pressuring him and the retired chief at the school’s office, I got my paycheck with backpay, but my finances were screwed up for months after this. I had no government travel card because I had no address long enough to obtain one (and didn’t even know much about it). I had to use my personal credit card for the Navy PCS process, which involves a 5-month school pipeline for all SWOs that requires staying in Navy or approved commercial lodging at the government rate (about $100 per night). In other words, I was paying up to $15,000 to go through Navy schools with the promise that I’d be reimbursed (of course, reimbursement does not cover credit card interest and taxes).

After maxing out two credit cards, I arrived to my first ship overseas in a foreign country. My paycheck at this point dropped to $500. My entire chain of command was informed, but my workload was insanely busy, especially for a brand new ensign who had just showed up. Two months passed with my pay still being screwed up, and I started to get really frustrated and depressed because I had bills that I couldn’t pay and an apartment that was supposed to be covered by the Navy but was taking weeks and weeks to process. I expressed this to my department head when he kept dumping more and more tasks on my plate, yet I had received no update about my pay issue. I was irritable towards my upper chain of command, but I didn’t do anything illegal or inappropriate. The next day, he sat me down and gave me a counsel chit (which is like a writeup). It’s often punitive and purposed to “teach” you how to be better. This was infuriating. I wasn’t seeing any money coming in, yet I was in trouble for “muttering under my breath,” for flicking a pen onto a desk during a meeting, and for having a bad attitude. He said that back in 2013 the government almost shut down and that he almost didn’t get paid, but because he believed in serving the country and had the true Navy spirit, he would’ve happily still gone to work. He said, “Your work and pay have nothing to do with each other.” The fuck they don’t. You work to get paid. It doesn’t matter if you’re a patriot or not. No one works for free regardless of how patriotic they are. I started crying right in front of him, and I felt so disrespected to be branded unprofessional for demanding the pay issue get corrected without having a smile on my face. I had just uprooted my entire life to join the Navy overseas and was now in $15000 of debt as a result of a combination of piss-poor leadership and a confusing, bureaucratic change of station process.

I complained to the XO about the counsel chit, and, after I vented for several minutes about how unfair this was, he informed me that he was the one who told my DH to write the counsel chit. I felt sick. He had manipulated me into expressing my true feelings, which I would’ve refrained from doing if I had known he was in on me being disciplined. Then the XO said, “Better stop with the waterworks and look! Your LES says you’re getting $500 next month! That’s great!” He looked me directly in the eye as he said those words with a shit-eating grin on his face, knowing he was antagonizing me on purpose. This is a SWO cult thing—always be positive and have a good attitude. The reality is that officers are taught this “professional behavior” to shut people down when they make demands while lacing it with some bullshit Navy leadership mantra that sounds progressive and positive. For new ensigns in training, this type of thing is purposed to manipulate us into never complaining and taking the blame for everything. They want to gaslight officers into believing that remaining silent and positive about your problems is a sign of toughness or resiliency. I was told by a senior officer on that ship that my life would be easier and it would make me a better person if I just repeated to myself over and over: “Everything is my fault.” This was the beginning of what would be a living hell on that ship.

Hostile Environment, Bullying, & General Harassment

I was assigned as the Gunnery Officer, and I loved my sailors. I deeply loved them. They were (and still are) like my little brothers. When I first arrived to the division, they were incredibly distrustful of leadership and were difficult to win over. One of my goals was to ensure that they had a good quality of life outside of work. This means that I tried by best to give them healthy, reasonable working hours, ensuring that they would not be working late all the time or be regularly slammed with last-minute tasks at the end of the day, which was the norm with their previous leadership (and on the ship as a whole). They were very happy with me, and we accomplished a lot together.

But for 8 months, I was terrorized by a warrant officer who was the assistant to the department head. But he’s not really the problem. It’s the fact that no one did a fucking thing about him when I notified my chain of command that he was unprofessional, inappropriate, and hostile. This warrant screamed and yelled constantly, showed up to work hungover (possibly still drunk from the night before); he would throw things around the office in the presence of others, even causing damage to supplies or materials. He threatened me whenever I confronted him about his behavior, and he made one of my sailors cry on a regular basis simply because she wasn’t the most dependable sailor, which doesn’t justify terrorizing her or treating her with gross disrespect. He frequently tried to get my sailors and me to break safety protocols to quickly obtain the results desired by the chain of command, and he lied and did shady things to compensate for the Department Head’s incompetence. The DH was also bullied terribly by his peers, so I honestly felt sorry for him. There was a period of time in which we got along really well, and I was his “super divo.” He had big plans for me. All that changed.

I mourn these two relationships because at first the warrant was incredibly helpful to me, and I had even asked him to be my mentor. I admired his knowledge, and he taught me how to be a good division officer. I later realized this is a type of love-bombing. He deliberately won me over so that he could use me. Additionally, he was going through a divorce, and once his family moved away, he returned as almost a different person. He was always hungover and horribly unprofessional and short-tempered. He constantly slammed doors and stormed off over the smallest things. At first, I was empathetic and tolerated his behavior, but eventually I realized that there is no excuse for abusing others. It was like working with Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.

Frat Boy Culture & Rape in the Wardroom

On top of all this, I didn’t fit into the wardroom. In any other job, this wouldn’t matter, but for the SWOs, being part of the good ol’ boys club was crucial, though I didn’t know it at the time (and honestly really don’t care even now). I was a civilian for many years prior to joining the Navy and had a vast work history in a variety of different jobs, from the bottom to the top. It was difficult being around people 10 years younger than me—many of whom had never worked anywhere else. Essentially, many Naval officers come from privileged backgrounds, some with an entire military lineage, and are “bred” to be officers through whatever commissioning source they go through. Even as ensigns, they are given an enormous amount of authority and power over their personnel despite having never probably worked for minimum wage. Most of them don’t know what it’s like to survive on their own, living off paycheck to paycheck as was the case with myself, and some would make snotty comments towards the enlisted, who they looked down upon (i.e. “if you don’t like how things are, then you should’ve gone to college”—a comment one of the JO’s had said directly to his enlisted watchstanders). There was definitely a “frat boys” kind of vibe in the wardroom. Some of them had officer parents, and if they went to the Naval Academy, they had undergone even more brainwashing than what is typical in the military. I didn’t exactly fit in. I was extremely isolated. Not being part of the “in group” made it challenging to receive the training and knowledge I needed to pass boards. I had joined the Navy primarily to find a community of ship-drivers. It was disappointing and lonely. All these elements are important for understanding why the Navy cannot adequately address SA/SH, abuse, bullying, and hazing.

To paint a clearer picture of the wardroom, one of the female junior officers was sexually assaulted twice by another member of the wardroom. The perpetrator is unknown to me, but I was very uncomfortable in the wardroom after that. I had picked her up from the police station and then taken her to the hospital. The next day, I got chewed out by the warrant in my department because my LPO had added her to the muster report despite that she was absent. Sleep-deprived, I had completely missed it on the muster, and unable to produce an SIQ chit from medical or reveal what had happened to her, I argued with the warrant for over an hour on the phone and listened to him bitch me out. Are we to expect a rape victim to remember to send her SIQ chit to her boss the morning after a rape? Why didn’t the base hospital contact ship’s medical? Why wasn’t there a little bit of grace for my DH who honestly didn’t deserve to get yelled at by the CO? He wasn’t even privy to this information. Thankfully, the survivor didn’t get in trouble. She got qualified and transferred, but after she left, two JO’s gossiped about her on the bridge—making it seem funny that she got drunk on her birthday and ended up in the police station and hospital later. It disgusted me to realize that, while they may not have been fully aware of what happened to her, they had enabled the sexual assault as bystanders. That they were talking about it publicly on the bridge made me sick. I told them it was an inappropriate conversation, and, of course, this only further ostracized me from the wardroom. But having seen the condition she was in mentally and physically following the assault, I was sick with anger and disgust at several members of the wardroom. I didn’t want to eat with them and avoided the wardroom as much as possible. They just seemed so oblivious to the struggles and tragedies of those not as privileged or lucky as they were. And honestly, they really didn’t care to be better people, but “high quality” SWOs at this command were those who were the most “mission-oriented.” That was seen has having good character. How they treated other people was irrelevant.

Pressured to Endanger My Sailors

The warrant in my department was so aggressive with “getting results,” he’d frequently try to get my sailors to circumvent proper procedures to get the job done. The catch is that if they got caught, it would be them who would go up to Captain’s mast, not the warrant—not the one who told them to do it. On multiple occasions, he placed them in these uncomfortable, risky situations that were relatively minor, but there were a few incidents that could’ve resulted in serious injury, death, or, at the very least, career damage. He tried to force me and my sailors into an inaccessible, unauthorized space to retrieve a piece of damaged equipment. This space is not only supposed to be locked (this ship NEVER locked it), but it was legally considered a “confined space,” meaning that it had to be certified as safe for entry by a Gas Free Engineer. Of course, I didn’t know this at the time, but I knew we weren’t supposed to be in there if the corresponding GTG was running. I followed up with my sailors and verified that it was unsafe by checking with the EDO, who said we weren’t authorized to enter. So I informed my chain of command of this. They didn’t reply as it was a Saturday before we were going underway. However, on Monday morning, the warrant had retrieved the post (illegally dragging two random, unfortunate sailors into that dangerous space), and chewed me out, claiming I was a weak leader for not finding another way in. Let me be clear: there was no way to legally access that space, and I refused to endanger myself and my sailors over a worthless piece of admin centered on unused, irrelevant equipment. This task was, in no way, mission-critical or even slightly important in the scheme of things. We could’ve died, and I know that if I had asked those two sailors to enter that space with me, they would’ve done it. That’s how much they trusted me. That’s why the military hierarchy can be so easily misused. Those sailors had been subjected to textbook abuse before I arrived, and they trusted me to protect them when it came down to giving orders. I felt I had been manipulated by my chain of command to betray my sailors.

Incidents like that were regular and eventually made me feel unsafe, anxious, and depressed because my job ultimately is to protect my personnel—many of whom were incredibly young—and I was under constant pressure from my chain of command to jeopardize their safety, even if they didn’t say it outright. I also was making little progress on my SWO qualification. If you don’t get your qualification, you get fired, re-billeted, and/or kicked out of the Navy. Other people saw how this warrant behaved and knew he was toxic and had a drinking problem, but no one did anything. That’s what’s so disgusting. No one did a damn thing. He can’t claim ignorance, like he simply didn’t know that what he was doing was illegal, as someone who’d been in the Navy for 20 years. He 100% was aware of his actions. He truly is a danger to personnel and has never been corrected because he gets the chain their results. The issue isn’t him alone—it’s the fact that the Navy organization continues to enable people who operate like him. 

Forced to Lie & Hindered on Qualification Process

On another occasion, I routed a piece of admin that documented operational defects on equipment that was still usable with specific conditions and safeties in place. However, as it was routed, my chain of command revised and edited so many things that the document was no longer technically accurate, and it flat-out lied about the status of the equipment. It was one of my junior sailors who saw this, and he was very upset and explained the inaccuracies to me. He said that this sheet of paper was the only thing between him and Captain’s Mast. If something were to go wrong, it would be the division that would get into trouble, not the officers who screwed up the documentation. Agreeing with him, he and I both argued with the warrant, who refused to reroute an accurately written document because it would make the department head look incompetent in front of the CO. I feel like I really let down my sailors in caving to the warrant’s demands. I should have fought harder and talked to the XO, but, based on previous interactions, I knew the XO was part of the problem. I was scared to make waves even if it was the right thing to do.

Multiple times, both the warrant and my DH inhibited my progress on my qualification. For example, I had a meeting set up with another JO to go over ATTWO scenarios for my qualification, and the warrant got into a long argument with me over this—literally harassing me on the phone regarding information, data, updates. He had his claws in me so deep that I couldn’t just turn off my phone and walk away. I had to constantly respond to him within minutes, or else he’d threaten me. On another occasion, I had sought advice from a female LCDR for finding time to work on my qualifications. She told me to set some boundaries and notify my department head of when I’d be participating in trainings. I did what she said and sent an email that was like, “Sir, I plan to work on my Team Leader qualification between 1000-1100 on Tuesday and my ATTWO qualification between 1400-1500 on Thursday. My chief can be contacted for matters of the division during this time, but if you have an emergency, feel free to reach me.” My DH freaked out when he saw this message and told me, “This is not how we do business. I am going to speak to the SWO about this.” I literally was being prevented from going to trainings, which, in turn, caused me to get behind on my qualification.

 “Redistributed” for Reporting Harassment & Unsafe Conditions

Finally, the warrant had another temper tantrum during our morning meeting and chewed out one of my sailors (he always singled her out, in particular), and she broke down into tears. She hadn’t done anything to justify this level of hostility, and I told her so. Angered that I had undermined him, the warrant flung up his hands and stormed out, slamming the door. This was witnessed by my Department Head and DLCPO. I forcefully said, “I do not like how he treats me or my sailors. He is inappropriate and unprofessional.” And my Department Head replied, “Well, you can talk to the CMEO or the Chaplain, but that guy gets me results.” Then he left, and I started sobbing. This leader—who was supposed to be my mentor and have my back—was basically telling me that the CMEO and the chaplain were a joke, and that as long as he got what he wanted, he didn’t care who got hurt or damaged in the process. Both these men had oversight over the well-being of their subordinates but rarely demonstrated any true care, mentorship, or healthy, professional interactions. His goal, as is the case with many officers, was to get a nice, little pat on the back from his CO and make himself look good and advance his career. If people truly cared about the “Navy mission,” then personnel well-being would be the focus.

My DLPCO consoled me and explained that this warrant treats me and everyone like shit and that I should tell the XO and CO about this. Because of how my pay issue was handled and the overall atmosphere of the wardroom, I didn’t trust that the command would side with me. So the DLCPO told the CMC about the hostile environment in the weapons department. The next day, I was unexpectedly pulled in the XO’s office where he interrogated me about how I was not getting along with the warrant or the DH. I described to him the situation, and he was defensive and accused me of being insubordinate. He referenced an incident in which I had refused to remove my paper tray from the weapons office. The DH was upset that the office was messy and threw out all my study notes, my administrative documents, the stuff I needed to route, everything onto the floor. He said he was tired of the clutter and told me to claim a file cabinet, but when I placed my work documents into a file cabinet, the warrant ripped them all out and threw a bunch of my things away. I was constantly being pushed around and bullied like this, and I was fed up, so I had collected my documents, placed them in a paper tray, and put them back on the desk where I worked. It was petty, but I was ultimately trying to stand up for myself. So when the XO was saying I was insubordinate, he was referring to the above paper tray incident. He threatened me with the UCMJ over a stupid paper tray in response to me reporting an unsafe work environment in which leadership was throwing heavy objects, pressuring me to risk my sailors’ lives, forcing me to lie and break rules to accomplish tasks, etc. He replied, “He [the warrant] is trying to help you! And you’re here complaining about him! You’re an unqualified ensign!” as if to say “who do you think you are?” Being an unqualified ensign doesn’t mean I deserve harassment and disrespect and a dangerous environment. He claimed that I had brought all of this upon myself by being confrontational. Standing up for myself and trying to follow safety procedures isn’t confrontational. He continued, “Even if there are problems with the warrant, can you not take the good things from his leadership and learn?” and I said, “Yes, but I have the right to walk away from him too. I don’t have to engage with him if he’s going to be disrespectful to me.”

At this point, I told him I didn’t feel safe or respected at work and hoped that it would click—that using such precise language would suddenly make him think, “Oh, she’s reporting harassment, and that’s illegal, so I’ll do something about it.” But no.

I was then forced to speak to the CO. The XO had slandered me, so the CO, without clearly knowing any details, claimed I was insubordinate and didn’t like “being told what to do.” He said I had a reputation for “siding with the sailors.” It’s not about siding with the sailors. It’s about doing what’s right, and often times, the sailors were right. Every good leader should take feedback from their subordinates. I described to him what the warrant did on that morning where he made a female sailor cry and how the DH had responded by saying he didn’t care as long as he “got results.” I was conveying a situation that any normal, reasonable person would deem to be a hostile environment full of harassment and inappropriate behavior. Instead, he said, “You know what I think? You just don’t like how WEPS [DH] runs his department. And you’re not doing your job.” The Senior Watch Officer was there and said, “I know it’s easy to run with the sailors and treat the Department Head like the ‘big, bad wolf,’ but the sailors will hide behind you and suck the life out of you.” It was such a disgusting comment. Every officer should view their enlisted personnel as people to care for and members of their team and community. The statement was so dehumanizing that it changed my entire perspective of that officer and of the wardroom. I felt deeply ashamed to be an officer then. I said, “I have been told over and over that I’m a good division officer, so this is the first time I’m hearing that I’m not doing my job.” And the SWO replied with, “Well, if you aren’t following orders, then you aren’t doing your job.” Were these people deaf? Were they not listening to anything? I do not have to follow unlawful orders. It became very clear to me then that my entire chain of command was trying to intimidate me and keep me silent on their borderline criminal behavior. Towards the end of the conversation, the CO asked, “Do you even want to be here?” as if I was causing trouble due to some inner dissatisfaction with my choices. If someone reports harassment to you, and you reply with “do you even want to be here?” that’s victim-blaming. It’s a means to silence someone. It’s a refusal to take meaningful action to address the real problem.

After that conversation, I was removed from the division and placed into a fake, made-up job with no sailors or interaction with anyone. I felt like I was just being thrown into a padded room to do busy work. I didn’t even have any work to do, and I had to invent work for myself. It was humiliating, and it only exacerbated the ostracism from the other junior officers who had “real” jobs. Rumors were flying, and my former sailors knew I had been fired for rocking the boat. When I announced I was being moved out of the division, my sailors cried and were incredibly upset by what happened because they knew that I was no longer there to protect them, and we loved each other. I cared for them so much that it hurts now just writing all this down. It has been almost 2 years since this happened, but there isn’t a day that I don’t wake up in the morning and think about them and what happened. There was no evidence that I had not been doing my job. In fact, it was quite the opposite. The DH had considered me his star divo throughout the summer and had plans for me to take over a warfare area, which was usually reserved for Second Tour Division Officers. He was trying to get me into Tomahawk school too, but the warrant shut that down, claiming he was looking out for me, but the reality was that he didn’t want to be stuck doing MY work while I was in school developing knowledge. The CO and XO claimed I was removed as GUNNO for my “safety,” but the truth is that they didn’t like how I was documenting the illegal activities and feared for THEIR careers. Both the warrant and the DH should have been disciplined and forced to change their behaviors. By removing me, neither one of them had to do anything differently. Their behaviors, if anything, got worse, based on what my formers sailors had told me. Why was my job the one in jeopardy? I hadn’t actually done anything illegal or wrong. Yet over and over, it was my career that was threatened and ultimately damaged for taking a stand against dangerous people.

Favoritism Towards Junior Officers

One day, while in a liberty port, one of my former sailors from CG communicated his anger about what he had witnessed officers doing in port illegally. I confided in a trusted chief—my DLCPO—about this, and he was very alarmed, saying that he had to tell the CMC because officers drinking while on duty could get the entire Triad fired. He ended up reporting this, and the XO chewed him out. I don’t know what happened during this conversation, but that chief was never the same. He spent his last two months on board in silence, not caring about anyone. He had always been so loved by everyone, and he had always cared about the well-being of the sailors. He just didn’t care anymore. Then I was dragged into the XO’s office where he wanted to know who accused who of what. I wasn’t willing to give out the sailor’s name because I knew he’d experience retaliation and that the junior officers wouldn’t get disciplined at all. I was threatened, for the second time, with Mast, as he claimed that me not reporting such information was a violation of the UCMJ. I told him I had reported it to my chain of command—the DLCPO. I later apologized to this chief, knowing that it was partially my fault he had been beaten down. No one could touch the precious wardroom, and the XO had questionable relationships with some of the JO’s, even inviting two of them over to his house to drink with him while his wife was away. Officers frequently violated liberty rules while in liberty ports, and so did enlisted, but the issue is that only the enlisted got caught and sent up to Mast. One of the officers even showed up 40 minutes late to duty, missed turnover, and returned without a required liberty buddy and didn’t face any disciplinary action. Everyone saw him walking up the brow during turnover, and they all turned a blind eye. But if a junior sailor had done that, they would’ve gone up to Mast.

Discrimination Against Female Junior Sailors

While in Combat Systems in my fake job, we had a new Combat Electronics Division Officer who allegedly suffered a mental breakdown. I do not know the details of that situation, but it seemed very convenient for the command to get rid of her since she was struggling to adjust. She ended up filing an IG complaint, but, honestly, if you are administratively separated, the IG is even less effective than if you were still attached to the military. The military loves using “Adjustment Disorder” as a reason to get rid of women, in particular, and usually those women suffered from harassment, assault, bullying, etc. Anyway, I took over as the new CE divo, and I immediately clicked with the sailors. We did excellent on a huge inspection and were even acknowledged by the Department Head—CSO (the Senior Watch Officer who had been present at the above meeting with the CO). Of course, it was hell working for this man. He once manipulated us into working on a Saturday, for example, but then didn’t even show up. For a leader to have an entire division work on a Saturday and not be there with us says so much about what snooty garbage he truly is. I tolerated this, however, because it’s not like I had a choice, but it made my job harder. I also got figuratively punched in the face for routing a sailor’s leave during the inspection. With support from my chief, I had added a special circumstances “buck slip” into the leave chit—something we were told we could do if someone wanted leave during an inspection. I had already had the discussion with the sailor that it probably wasn’t going to get approved, and he was fine with it. I was going to try anyway. Well, I was scolded for this, and CSO was like, “Now I have to look like the bad guy for saying ‘no,’” and boohoo. He gets paid a 6-figure stipend to be a DH. I don’t care about his hurt feelings. Plus, all anyone had to do was mark “no” on the chit. That’s it. But apparently, it wasn’t enough to deny the sailor the leave; the CO had to leave gratuitous notes on the chit, claiming his time was wasted and that our focus needed to be on the inspection. And then the XO had this long conversation about how wrong it was for me to route the chit. But then the CO ended up approving this sailor’s leave, so I wrote him a “thank you” note and put it into his box as a professional courtesy. That led to another really uncomfortable conversation in which I was accused of trying to “curry favor” from the sailors and that he was disturbed that I “sided with the sailors.” You would’ve thought the guy believed I was going to commit mutiny. Well, these small situations foreshadowed what was to come.

My division suffered some enormous, unexpected losses due to health issues and disqualifications—nothing that anyone could prevent. It put a significant amount of strain on us at first, but we were still doing okay and on top of our maintenance. However, it appeared CSO and our sleezy, new DLCPO (I’ll call him CSMM) were panicking over the future without any solution or real justification. They were just suddenly really hard on me, and I don’t know why. They wouldn’t say what was not getting done or what the issue was. We were still completing our tasks just as we had been during the inspection (and EVERY division is behind on something; it’s just the way it is on a forward-deployed ship). But they were caught up in appearances. For instance, if I allowed my division to leave at 1400, they freaked out. This is a SWO thing—that if your people complete their worklist early, then you’re supposed to add more work to their list. That’s shitty leadership, because people want to be rewarded for their work. If you continuously add more work to the worklist, your people aren’t going to put in any effort into completing it, knowing that you’re not going to let them go home afterwards.

On top of that, one of my sailors lost a family member, and she took emergency leave. When she returned, she was obviously depressed. After a lot of discussions with the HMC and the sailor, we agreed she’d be safe and functional just doing maintenance. I very deliberately gave her a light workload. Plus, she was transferring in less than 2 months. My LPO and I had encouraged her to just focus on her packout and on making arrangements to transfer, which, while overseas, is quite a time sink. We didn’t need her that much in the division anymore and had already filled her role.

CSO and CSMM then started constantly bothering me and my chief about how she’s not doing enough work. We had her work covered down by other members of the division, so their obsession with her was purely out of principle. They also believed that since she had gone to the funeral, that her grieving was over and that she needed to suck it up and go back to working. At one point, CSMM took a picture of her in her civilian clothes in the afternoon and sent it to me as if he had caught her in the act of skating home early from work. I was annoyed and told him I had let her go home early and that he needed to back off. CSMM was supposed to be mentoring and helping the sailors and helping me negotiate with the department head. But he was just CSO’s little henchman and was notorious for flirting with female chiefs and junior sailors. One of my sailors had even described him as a “fuck boy” with his slicked back hair. Both CSO and CSMM kept saying things like, “Time for your sailors to earn their paychecks,” and “you have no oversight over your division.” But none could produce any evidence that we weren’t getting work done. I produced weekly documentation of all our tasks (which I doubt they even read). They just were unhappy that I gave my sailors an opportunity to have a life outside of work by letting them go home at a reasonable time. We stayed late only when necessary. After being on deployment where you’re working 24-7, you don’t get that time back. I was doing my best to give them time at home while completing tasks.

One of my sailors had an unexpected pregnancy, and she was extremely concerned about her privacy and was worried the ship would think she was a “shitbag” for getting pregnant since there is a sexist navy stereotype about women deliberately getting pregnant to get out of deployment. My chief and I reassured her that we would maintain her privacy. When we told CSO, he responded with disgust and accused another sailor of impregnating her, even launching an investigation, which went nowhere, of course. Then he told the pregnant sailor’s watchbill coordinator to remove her from the duty section and made a throat-slicing gesture with his hand, saying, “She’s done.” So when the sailor discovered she had been removed from duty without any warning, she freaked out and was in tears. Then the CSO publicly blurted out her medical status during a department meeting and then again in the CSMC (a public space for conducting tagouts, maintenance, etc.). This was after I had warned him no less than three times, including sending him two emails stating that the sailor was extremely upset by the disrespect towards her privacy. So the CSO begrudgingly put her back into her duty section, and the sailor, by this time, was so upset, that she was trying to get clearance from her doctor to get removed from the ship. The CSMM then said to her, “You’re just trying to get out of duty!”

She ended up filing a CMEO complaint against the CSO. This was straight-up pregnancy discrimination. But all he got was a little slap on the wrist.

Mental Health, Bullying, and Reprisal

Shortly after, I received a counsel chit regarding “how the military works” and concerns I had listed on my FPC. The FPC is a document on which every person aboard the ship writes a list of their stressors and a list of their resources; it’s purposed to be a tool leaders use to help someone struggling with personal problems like divorce, death, finances, bullying, etc. On my FPC, I had brought up “fear of reprisal” and “fear of losing sailors” and “bullying/ostracism from the wardroom” and “lack of support on my qualifications” and “command climate.” All these things were true. It was ballsy for me to do it, but I was so fucking sick of it. I was extremely stressed out by the horrible environment and watching my sailors suffer too. They were like family to me. It made me ache to see them cry or want to leave the ship due to how they were treated. Nothing had changed in the command despite how vocal I had been about the issues, and I had been accused of creating an “us versus them” environment by defending the sailors. To top it off, one of my sailors had been sexually harassed by two chiefs—one of them being the HMC, and one being the CSMM. Only the HMC was fired after sending her sexual messages. There wasn’t enough evidence to fire the CSMM.

During this “counseling” with CSO and CSMM (and another junior officer present as a witness) I was told I had PTSD from being in the weapons department. PTSD is a medical diagnosis that can lead to disqualification from military service without benefits. This alarmed me significantly, since the CSO was not a doctor, and I definitely had not been diagnosed. This condition is not on my medical record. I didn’t draw attention to this issue specifically but discussed that the command climate was a serious problem, and CSO said it wasn’t fair for me to list all these negative things on my FPC if I hadn’t talked to him about it. I replied that he was one of the sources of the issues and that I didn’t trust him and that he contributed to the environment. I told him that how officers treated enlisted personnel at this command was shameful and upsetting and that it made me not want to be an officer. I felt disgusted with the expectations for how I was supposed to treat my own personnel. I was then berated for the next 40 minutes over my mental health concerns. I felt cornered—like I had no witnesses for myself, no one there to support me. The CSO was angry that I hadn’t attended a CREDO group therapy event that he had recommended to me (a check in the box to claim he had tried to help me). I am not religious, and the last thing I needed was to spend my entire weekend at a religious-based group therapy event when what I needed was a better work environment with support and friendship. I had every right not to go, and no one can force someone to go to something like that. In an attempt to get him off my back, I told him I was seeing a civilian therapist I had known for years. He zeroed in on this and claimed that I should see a military therapist, and then he ordered me to make an appointment with the Mental Health Evaluator, who was a former SWO and not a licensed therapist. She was the waterfront entity who branded personnel as “fit for duty.” Anything you say to her is NOT confidential and will be sent to the CO. I argued with him, but he ordered me to make the appointment by a specific date and that the appointment had to be before another specific date. This is super controlling, abusive behavior, and it’s not legal for a DH to order another officer to get a mental health evaluation. I was being treated like a mental patient in a hospital. I told him I wasn’t crazy, and, of course, by saying that while being really emotional and worn down, I sounded crazy. He was calm and even smiled despite I had asked numerous times to leave the meeting and was distressed and uncomfortable. He scooted his chair up super close to me and got in my face where he whispered, “You’re a Surface Warfare Officer, and sometimes you have to have uncomfortable conversations.” His tone and body language were threatening. I felt sick and upset. Even though I was on the verge of crying as I left the room, he was completely calm and unfazed and said “thank you, Ms. [my name]” over and over again, following closely behind me, demanding that I acknowledge him. Everything about that meeting was sickening. An MHE goes on my medical record permanently and can lead to discharge. It was clearly an attempt to get rid of me for being vocal about the discrimination against the pregnant sailor and for producing documentation of the illegal actions I observed. I wish I could convey just how disturbing it was to see his facial expressions. It was like he was sexually getting off from hurting and dominating me. He got pleasure from this—the way he smiled and looked at me. He genuinely enjoyed seeing me getting knocked down several pegs.

I filed a CMEO complaint the next day, in tears and so fearful for my career, while he went on leave and posted on his Facebook a reading recommendation “Working with Difficult People” as if to jab me. Fuck him and fuck the Navy.

Treated Like a Criminal

I told the new XO that my DH had made me uncomfortable. The XO, still fairly new to the command, was genuinely compassionate, but he seemed fixated on me seeing a military therapist too, claiming that a civilian therapist wouldn’t understand. I felt like my chain of command was trying to weaponize the military mental health system to have me removed from the ship. The Mental Health Evaluation (MHE) is purposed to provide an avenue for people who are in danger of committing suicide or homicide. It is not supposed to be used to get rid of people you don’t like.

There is no acknowledgement at this command, or by the Navy as a whole, that harassment, abuse of authority, or hostile work environment leads to mental health issues. If you seek help after experiencing the above, especially if you’re an officer, your career is ruined. I saw 3 department heads get fired for doing the above after being treated like shit from their CO. The Navy seeks to compartmentalize everything into a neat box. While there is acknowledgement that sexual assault is a problem and comes with adverse mental health consequences for survivors, Navy leaders fail to recognize the shipboard ingredients that led to the assault. They treat all incidents as if they occur in vacuum, devoid of the larger context of the command climate, the social dynamics involved, or the lack of effective policies and definitions and trainings that address workplace hostility. They are pointlessly concerned that ordering sailors to do work would cause them to be accused of promoting a hostile environment. None of that is true obviously.

I was removed from Combat Systems and placed in another fake job, this time in Engineering. It was basically a secretarial job, purely administrative. I had no sailors and almost no interaction with a chain of command. It was demeaning work and led to further ostracism. I also was banned from Combat Systems spaces. This is crazy because I hadn’t committed a crime. CSO, on the other hand, was under investigation for no less than 5 complaints at the time, and CSMM was under investigation for sexual harassment. CSMM was positioned as acting CMC while being investigated when the actual CMC went on leave—to give you an idea of how “great” this environment was. And CSO was eventually made acting XO, also while under multiple investigations. I got onto a computer in a Combat Systems space to transfer some files and PSTs to computers in engineering, and the CSMM kicked me out of the space, saying I wasn’t allowed in there without an escort. I was being treated like a suspected terrorist.

Nonetheless, a few of the other junior officers—the nice ones—finally seemed to notice and acknowledge that there was a problem on the ship and how I was being treated was not fair. They helped me with my qualifications, so that is the only positive thing that came of being moved to engineering. I sobbed when I was removed from CE division. I can’t believe that the command would do this AGAIN. These people truly believed they could do whatever they wanted to me. Please bear in mind that I was not under investigation, I wasn’t being accused of a crime, I hadn’t actually broken any rules or policies. All I had done was say the command climate was a problem and that sailors should be treated better. This wasn’t for my safety or wellbeing. They seemed to think that by treating me like I was crazy and a threat to the ship that it would make it real somehow. Once I realized what they were doing, I forced myself to go stone cold, as much as I could, just to get through my tour.

I continued to progress on my qualification and was on the final stretch. I was standing watch as an under-instruct for Officer of the Deck. The over-instruct gave me directions for calling and talking to the CO. I was immediately yelled at, so after the phone call, I was incredibly upset and told the OOD that the CO didn’t want me on board the ship and didn’t want me to succeed. The OOD was very new, so he didn’t want to deal with the drama and dismissed me from the bridge because he could tell I needed a breather and space. I can’t say I blame him, but I definitely wasn’t in a good state of mind overall after experiencing everything that had happened. I actually had a license to drive ships and was comfortable on the bridge normally. However, I was extremely uncomfortable communicating with a CO who had done nothing but dismiss my harassment and bullying complaints and then was continuously hostile to me. Afterwards, we pulled into port, and since I was on duty, I went to get armed up for my quarterdeck watch and the Duty Armorer said he couldn’t. I didn’t understand why or what was going on and asked the Section Leader about it. He was one of the CMEOs and well-aware of my complaint but told me to go talk to the accused about it, offhandedly mentioning the “friction” between us. It turns out I had been placed on the “Do Not Issue” (DNI) list, which meant I wasn’t allowed to have firearms. This is for people (1) who had gone up to Captain’s Mast and were on restriction, (2) who were suicidal, or (3) who were a danger to others. Then I was called into the CO’s cabin with several department heads where the CO said I had made bridge watchstanders uncomfortable with my comments and that he was forcing me to get a Mental Health Evaluation (MHE) to see if I was fit for duty. I said, “[The Warrant] and CSO made me uncomfortable but they weren’t forced to get MHEs.”

You have to understand that this is an enormous overreaction to me simply having an attitude. Emergency MHEs are for people who have threatened to kill someone or themselves. They are for situations in which the CO legitimately thinks someone will cause serious harm. All I had done was tell the OOD that the CO was always shitty to me no matter what I did and then left the bridge as an Under-Instruct (not a qualified watchstander). But I was treated like an insider threat—a person who was going to commit a mass shooting or sabotage.

So while in a liberty port, I was forced to have this virtual meeting with the MHE, and I asked her about confidentiality; of course, she wouldn’t give me an answer, so I told her that I thought this whole session was reprisal. I didn’t lie to her about my feelings, but I was careful with my words. And during this meeting, the CO leaned against the door to ensure I was at this meeting, as if I was a fucking prisoner who would try to run away. Then he went out and enjoyed his drinking and eating and partying. If he truly was concerned about how “dangerous” I was, then he wouldn’t have gone out and had fun. He facilitated this situation to make me look and feel crazy, and I was beginning to believe him. During this “appointment,” it was obvious she had been prepped about the context, and she brought up questions too specific for her not to have been in the know on my situation. She had even asked me about why I didn’t eat in the wardroom, and, being a smartass, I replied, “Do you want to eat with your boss every meal, every day?”

Obviously, the MHE deemed me fit for duty, much to the dismay of my CO who was clearly trying to get me kicked off the ship so that he could tell the wardroom and the crew that he’s a really good, caring guy who got me the help I needed just in time. Even the other JO’s who caught wind of this thought the CO’s decision to treat me this way was insane. The CO demanded to know what I wanted. He asked this question with fury and frustration, like I was driving him mad. I told him that I wanted acknowledgement that what CSO and the warrant had done to me was wrong and to know I could report a crime or harassment or any other protected communication up my chain of command and NOT experience reprisal. We argued over what was considered “hostile environment.” He said that he was allowed to throw things as long as these objects didn’t hit me. This pissed me off. In the CMEO instruction, throwing things would fall under “threatening and intimidating behaviors.” I told him so. He attempted to gaslight me by claiming that I just hadn’t adjusted to the military environment (subtly trying to cite “Adjustment Disorder” again). By constantly bringing up my civilian background, he was attempting to damage my credibility and deem me “unreasonable”—something that could render a CMEO complaint ineffective.

You can’t fucking tell me that I can waltz into someone’s space and start hurling books and binders while screaming expletives and threats, that this is perfectly acceptable behavior becoming of a professional commissioned officer. You can’t convince me that I’m allowed to do this in front of a group of anxious junior sailors and that if I disagree, then I’m crazy and have a mental disorder for believing no one should be subjected to those behaviors. At this meeting, I was told I was hostile and difficult to work with (a tactic users abuse is to reverse the accusations onto the victim). I replied, “My sailors don’t think I’m difficult to work with,” and he said, “Well, this isn’t a popularity contest and that won’t get you a good FITREP.” As if I spend my entire existence at work trying to get a good FITREP, but the reality is that many SWOs operate in this manner. They care more about their careers than about their personnel. Then the CO asked, “Are you happy here?” as if the problem was me—that I was just depressed and mentally ill and, therefore, creating all these situations. I was unhappy because of the bullying and harassment and gaslighting I had experienced. The culmination of everything above was the direct cause of my depression, but I wasn’t dangerous, suicidal, or unable to do my job. There was no evidence to suggest I was not fit for duty and, therefore, the force ordered MHE was not justified. He proceeded to guilt-trip, claiming he was spending oh-so much time on me and giving me all this undeserved attention (none of which I wanted). He said I was entitled for wanting to know whether or not the harassment and bullying I reported was addressed and even tried to claim it was the same process in the civilian world, which is laughable because he’s been a Navy brat his whole life and wouldn’t possibly know how world outside of the military operates. A victim of a crime seeking accountability is not entitlement even in a military setting.

At this point, I filed a whistleblower complaint through the IG because I didn’t just fear for my military career, I feared more for my civilian career. What would happen to me if I was institutionalized in the military mental healthcare system? What would that mean for my opportunities in the civilian world?

Ineffective IG Process

Here’s the thing about the IG, they’ll essentially just tell your command to back off. They picked up the investigation immediately. It was enough for me to finish getting qualified and then transfer early to a much better command for my second tour. But the IG is ineffective overall when it comes to accountability. My investigation is still ongoing and it’s been a year. They allow investigations to rot in their “review” stage for years and years so that the victims separate or retire eventually without ever receiving justice. I strongly believe the IG does this intentionally. While investigating my reprisal case, they said that the documentation I had sent them was more related to hostile environment and that they could only investigate reprisal in this situation. I said that it was impossible to investigate reprisal without investigating hostile environment. Like everything else in the Navy, the IG compartmentalizes complaints into a vacuum, ignoring all the ingredients that led to the problem. It was very frustrating explaining how I had experienced reprisal because the investigator asked, “Well, how is this reflected on your FITREP? That’s what we need in order to substantiate the claim.” I wasn’t going to get a FITREP for another 9 months! Also, why wasn’t being removed from my job after reporting harassment and filing a CMEO complaint not considered reprisal?

I attempted to get the other JO’s to corroborate my statements as they had revealed to me a lot of disturbing threats and things that the CSO had done to them personally. They never came forward, so it just made me look like a liar when I brought this up. In the meantime, I gave SAPR trainings as a VA that half the officers—including the CSO—didn’t attend.

Reprisal for Appealing CMEO Complaint

The CMEO process is managed by and filtered through the CO, which makes it completely ineffective if the subject of your complaint is in your chain of command. He deemed my complaint “unsubstantiated” and didn’t take it seriously.  Multiple voluntary witness statements, documented evidence, and emails were not submitted with the complaint. Furthermore, the complaint is supposed to be processed within 60 days. Legal and the Command Climate Specialist held onto the complaint for 5 months! They didn’t respond to any inquiries, nor did they tell us that the complaint was missing documentation. The investigation was also not carried out in accordance with the Navy instruction. The investigator was not only the same rank as the accused, but she was his peer. She was the same billet, and they frequently talked to each other via email about professional matters. She was his colleague. This was an enormous conflict of interest, and the investigator is supposed to be a superior officer to the accused. Legal and the CMEO even acknowledged this, but it had no bearing on the outcome of the investigation because the CO gets to call all the shots. The ISIC (above him), knowing this, never stepped in and overrode him. No one gave a shit that this investigation was a farce. I received the unsatisfactory results of the complaint, and so I appealed it and wrote a very scathing statement about how the CO had deliberately corrupted the investigation. The day after I submitted the appeal, I received a Letter of Instruction, telling me I was in danger of being “non-obtained” (kicked out of the Navy for not getting qualified). This letter also tried to compare me to the OOD involved in the Fitzgerald accident, which is a horrible, career-ruining comparison. Just to be clear—the CO had publicly announced what a great job I had been doing on all our evolutions as OOD under instruction. I had been praised by watchstanders as well. I told the CO that this LOI conflicts with his statements. Furthermore, I received the LOI after failing an OOD board with the Second Tour Officers. This is not a “real” board. Most people fail this board because it’s purposed to prepare for the board with the Department Heads and the CO. I received a counsel chit for failing this board twice (also totally normal), and it was cited in my LOI. That a practice board could be used against me is egregious. What’s the point of a practice board if it’s considered real? The LOI was issued to me for reaching my 18th month without an OOD letter. Another JO was in the same situation as me (but wasn’t ever bullied or harassed), yet he received no LOI. I added this LOI to the IG complaint for review and eventually, I got qualified as OOD. Never in my life had I ever been considered a dangerous or unsafe bridge watchstander or ship-handler. Prior to the Navy, I had excellent reviews from captains and mates. Even the CO of this ship had to admit I knew how to run a bridge and drive a ship. A month later, I was notified my appeal was still not substantiated, so I filed my second and final appeal. I’m still awaiting results, and it’s been almost a year.

Nothing will come of it. I will receive no justice. The CSO was eventually spot-promoted to Commander. During his final days at the command, at a promotion ceremony for two junior officers, he said to them, “I better not hug you or else Ms. [my name] will report me.” He said this loud enough for everyone in the wardroom to hear, including the CO. No one intervened, no one corrected him, no one shut him down. This is a man who had multiple bullying/EO complaints filed against him. Mocking me publicly only proved my complaint right, but none of it would ever matter. I didn’t even tell the IG because, as far as the IG was concerned, if it’s not on my FITREP, then it’s not reprisal despite the damage done to my career, my reputation, my lack of safety, the persistent ostracism from the wardroom. Your CO can try to ruin your life, but I guess if he didn’t write, “You suck” on your FITREP, then the IG will never substantiate your claims. Also, the amount of bullying and harassment I experienced certainly would slow me down and would affect my FITREP in a way that isn’t visible to others. FITREPs for unqualified junior officers are based almost purely on qualifications. So the effects of reprisal simply aren’t obvious on paper.

Sexual Assault: Who Cares?

Right before I transferred (6 months early), I got so sick that I had to go to the (new) HMC. This was the first time I’d been sick enough to have to visit the ship’s doc. While checking my heartbeat, he groped my breast…hard. It wasn’t just brushing up against it or accidentally grazing it. He grabbed it and squeezed with his fingers as if to help position his stethoscope. No one else was in the room, and I remember thinking, “I’ve had this test done hundreds of times since childhood. Not one doctor or nurse has grabbed my tit during this test.” I just didn’t care. I was so worn down and so tired and knew no one would believe me that I didn’t say anything. I was bigger and stronger than him. I could’ve beaten the shit out of him as I have done with men who’ve tried that with me in the past, but then I would’ve been kicked out of the Navy because why would this command support me? To them, I was the “boy who cried wolf.” I was crazy and a pathological liar and insubordinate and allegedly suffering from PTSD (though no such medical diagnoses exist on my record). A part of me knew HMC was aware of my MHE, and, therefore, he knew I had less credibility and that’s why he sneaked in his little violation of my body, like I was just this ragged thing that no one important cared about, that I was now fair game since the system had failed me. I was nothing to the command. If I accused him, he’d just bring up my MHE. I have sailors who would’ve killed him if they knew. I wonder how many other sailors he’s harassed and assaulted throughout his career under the noses of toxic commands who brag about not having any harassment reports and believing that silence is a good thing.

The biggest myth in the Navy SWO community is that keeping silent while your chain of command terrorizes you makes you tough and resilient—that by enduring it, you’re a true SWO with the poise and strength to lead. No, it makes you a fucking coward. It makes you the opposite of everything military service is supposed to stand for. Succumbing to the pressure to join in on the bullying of enlisted personnel and of the JO’s who fail to fall into line doesn’t make you strong. It makes you a shitbag. Not a single fucking officer intervened and said to me, “What they’re doing to you is wrong and illegal. I will help you. I will stand with you.” Not a goddamned fucking officer called out the chain of command and said that it was wrong to discriminate against a pregnant sailor, that it was wrong to endanger personnel to get results, that enlisted personnel should be treated with respect and care. Maybe if I had gotten drunk with the wardroom and made myself “cool,” then it would have been different. I didn’t have anyone looking out for me, so I had to be that officer who looked out for my sailors. I tried to give them everything this command refused to give me. You know who stood up for me in the end? The enlisted. Do you know who corroborated my statements? The enlisted. Do you know who gave me unending support and community and loyalty? The enlisted. My sailors. I didn’t get my SWO pin out of patriotism or for the wardroom or for any Navy ideal. I did it for my sailors because I didn’t want them to see the one officer they trusted and looked up to get bullied off the ship.

My entire experience at that command was like having someone beat the shit out of me until I cried, and then deem me “not fit for duty” for bleeding and having broken bones, and then accuse me of faking my injuries when I managed to avoid medical disqualification. I may have a SWO pin, but I am no goddamn SWO. I am myself.