On My First Ship I Became So Afraid of Being Raped That I Slept With a Knife Under My Pillow. But I Reported Those Men, And Was Able To Obtain Restorative Justice.

* This account was submitted to MLAA by the victim *

I have a story to share. I'm a Mariner who works on Tall Ships. I started my first offshore job with an entirely male crew when I was eighteen. I was isolated in international waters with a crew that "joked" about raping me where no one could hear me screaming. They spoke constantly about fucking whores, myself included. My captain repeatedly groped my ass and "complimented" my body.

I locked my cabin door every night of that voyage and slept with a knife under my pillow. I'm not going to get into the nitty-gritty specifics of what they did to me. I don't like to talk about it.  And that's not the point of this story. 

When I got to shore after that grueling voyage, I quit that job and lied about the reason why. I was traumatized. I thought that I had no recourse; I had no empirical evidence of these attacks. After I quit, another young girl took my job. I was haunted by the reality that they would do this to her if i did nothing to stand up against the behavior. I had to do something to break the cyclical abuse. But I didn't think that anyone would believe me, and even if they did, I wasn't sure that reporting it would help.

I wasn’t sure of if they would retaliate: blackball me in the industry that I was just breaking into or attack me physically. But I knew that I wouldn't be able to cope unless I did everything that I could.

I ended up reporting what had happened to me to Tall Ships America, a regulatory body in the industry. I was the first person to ever formally report harassment to them, despite the fact that the issue is rampant. The directors of the organization acted as an intermediary between me and the nonprofit that owned the ship whose crew harassed me.

After talking over my options at length, I decided that I would opt for restorative justice instead of punitive action. I believed that getting those men fired would have just exported the harassment elsewhere and increased their resentment toward women. It may not make sense to you that I did not go after their licenses or jobs, but I stand by this decision everyday. I was looking for a holistic solution. 

For those who don't know, restorative justice is a tactic of crime prevention that repairs the harm done to a victim. It's a regimented discourse between victims, perpetrators, and several third party moderators that seeks to reconcile the crime committed. I wanted the fucker that harassed me to look me in the eyes while I told him how I was afraid he'd kill or rape me if I told him to get his hand off my ass. I wanted him to understand what he and his crew did to my spirit. I needed them to know that they could never break me.

Restorative justice wasn't everything that I hoped it would be (last minute I had to designate a proxy to read a statement I wrote and speak on my behalf) but it was the best case scenario for me. 

The captain and crew were put on a formal surveillance period. The ship's office checked in with the women that they had to work with to ensure their safety. Tall ships America used my case as a teaching tool to inform their sexual harassment workshop at their annual conference. I am one of a few mariners that was believed when she claimed that she endured egregious sexual harassment in the workplace. 

Moreover, I understand that I am one of the only mariners who has been delivered justice in a case of sexual misconduct. That is such a privilege. I'll tell you the secret of how I was able to bring them to justice: Women held all the relevant leadership positions to my case. The director from tall ships America to whom I reported the harassment is female. Her boss is female. The director of the nonprofit that owned the vessel whose crew harassed me is female. 

These women treated me with respect and sensitivity during this process even when my case tarnished their organizations' reputations. This is what leadership and responsibility looks like. So the moral of my story is that we need to promote women. We need to believe women. 

This would foster education and understanding within our industry so that we can repair the toxic workplace culture that we have become too accustomed to. To all my sisters at sea (and male allies), we've got to stick together and accept no one's bullshit.

Time's up for the misogynistic and racist fuckers that have dominated this industry for far too long. We will hold them accountable. Keep at it.