I was sexually assaulted at my first unit, the USCGC Eagle, by a fellow non-rate. I am, finally saying something.
** This anonymous U.S. Coast Guard Survivor Testimonial was originally submitted to “The Pettiest Officer of the U.S. Coast Guard” on Facebook in May of 2024 and re-published by MLAA. MLAA does not know the identity of the author and has not verified any of the claims or allegations made in this testimonial. Light formatting changes for readability, or redactions for PII may have been applied before publishing. **
I'm going to keep this short.
I was assaulted as a non-rate at my first unit, the USCGC Eagle by a fellow non-rate who struck BM and became a BM3.
I've always felt like an outsider, especially in the Coast Guard (which still rings true), but I'm going to specifically speak to my experience in regard to my time on EAGLE.
I wanted to fit in and be a part of the cool crowd, but I didn't know how to do that. The Eagle is this exceptional, majestic, rare unit in the Coast Guard, and I was aware of that from the beginning. So being on board, I felt a sense of pride. I made a couple friends, but was so lost with the transition from civilian life to military life that I turned to alcohol. Alcohol seemed to help me then, and if you struggle with addiction, you know the façade alcohol will give life. Especially in the beginning.
Anyways, there was a male crewmember who was pretty popular with most people - officers, enlisted, non-rates, petty officers alike. I was never attracted to this person personally, but he was cool, and to hang out with him on port calls meant you were fun and cool.
One night, in a port call, I was in the crews lounge checking my email on the computer and this said "cool" guy walks in. It was just us in the crews lounge. I didn't think anything of it, I didn't get a weird feeling, I never felt bad energy from him, and it was normal for people to just come and hang in the crews lounge. He had been drinking and maybe I had been too. I don't quite remember, and it shouldn't matter because drunk or not, what happened shouldn't ever happen sober or drunk. Alcohol should never be a justifiable reason for assaulting someone, nor should it be a justifiable reason the victim "deserved" or allowed such heinous events to happen.
I digress....
He walks in, we chitchat, and somehow we start wrestling on the floor. This person had a background in MMA fighting, so knowing me, I was probably talking smack and being a little flirty (which is totally not an invitation to be assaulted). So we're wrestling, rolling around, he puts me in a restrictive position, and the next thing I know, his fingers are inside my vagina. My body stiffened, I froze, and just let it happen.
Once he stopped, I got up and left the crews lounge, never to speak of it with anyone, not even myself. I shoved it so far down into my being that it wasn't until almost 10 years later when my body remembered the incident. I have a history of childhood sexual assault and that's how I coped with it as a kid, so naturally that's the only response my body knew: keep quiet, submit, shove down into the depths of self and self shame/blame. This person was still in the Coast Guard at the time of realization, but I couldn't bring myself to reach out and confront him. It was nearly 10 years later, what's the point?!??! Well, I really wish I would have because I'll never get that chance again; this person has since passed way.
I feel that me telling my story now is in a way confronting him. It's allowing me to let go of what I have carried with me for so long - my feelings of heaviness, self-blame, and the self-dialogue of, "Well of course he did that to you, you were wrestling around with him, your actions allowed it!" or "He clearly thought it was an appropriate situation to touch you because you were wrestling with him, you didn't say no!"
Well, I'm here to say THAT IS FALSE. It was NOT MY FAULT. I did NOT deserve to be treated in this way. I am not to blame! My actions DID NOT invite him to violate me!
I wish I said something. I wish I stopped him. I wish I screamed and yelled and pushed him away. I wish I would've told someone. But I didn't. And that's NOT because I wanted it to happen - I was psychologically stunned into immobility, I COULDN'T say anything.
So my friends, here I am, finally saying something.