I still have panic attacks. I struggle with being alone. I don't trust men. He ruined my life. I'll never be the same.

** This anonymous U.S. Coast Guard Survivor Testimonial was originally submitted to “The Pettiest Officer of the U.S. Coast Guard” on Facebook in May of 2024 and re-published by MLAA. MLAA does not know the identity of the author and has not verified any of the claims or allegations made in this testimonial. Light formatting changes for readability, or redactions for PII may have been applied before publishing. **

My story is not like a lot that have been shared because it was a long-term breakdown of interpersonal boundaries. I have a hard time with my story because I know that some of my actions are to blame for how long things went on with the person who harassed me.

I listed the mistakes I made or the things I would have done differently in bold as a warning to other people who may find themselves on the same path of blurry lines with a shipmate. I want people to know that sometimes harassment isn't reported because situations get murky and it can be hard to stop. Sometimes it's the high performers - the good guy that everyone likes - that is the problem.

The person who harassed me was a party guy. He had a family. He portrays himself as a Christian. He was liked by everyone, including me because he was a very close friend. I trusted him and his wife to watch my daughter while I was on duty. He had 2 alcohol incidents in his record which I always thought was weird that the Coast Guard let him stay in. We were both E4s at the time.

The first year of our friendship was really normal. He was attractive, very trustworthy and polite - the kind of friend that opened doors for me and invited me to go out to eat with his wife and kids. I appreciated them because I was a single mom going through a really difficult ongoing custody battle. I was 22, trying to make a long-distance relationship work, and I didn't have a lot of people in my life I could trust.

One night while a group of us were hanging out and drinking, he kissed me hard. I froze because the kiss was totally out of left field. I stayed away from the house party invites for a while because I was uneasy about the whole situation. People do dumb things when they drink. Eventually it was forgiven even though he didn't apologize or acknowledge the kiss when he was sober. It just lingered.

Over the next 6 months while we were on duty together, he would talk a lot about his wife and how unhappy he was. I felt bad for him. My first marriage was also a circumstance of unplanned pregnancy so I understood what he was going through. He would pay me compliments like "your boyfriend is a lucky guy," then more inappropriate like "your profile picture is hubbahubba," and eventually it got awkward at work because he would start saying things under his breath about my ass or my boobs. He would send me weird emojis on the instant messenger that alluded to sex. I tolerated it because I got used to it. Instead of asking him to stop, I passively joked back with him. I didn't want to be rude. I didn't want to ruin our friendship. That is the biggest mistake I made.

Over the next year he started showing up at my house while I was asleep. He'd call me instead of knocking on the door so as to not draw attention. If I didn't answer my phone he would show up at the sliding glass door in my bedroom and tap on the glass. I let him crash on my couch a couple of times when he was drunk. I allowed my home to be an escape for his problems he was having at home. I should have never let him in when he was drunk.

One night he showed up and I said no. My daughter was home and she had just gone to sleep. His reaction to the rejection was really rude and he completely changed. "Ok it's not like I don't do things for you. Like my wife doesn't watch your kid all the time and I don't help you move your furniture." It went on and on until I felt so guilty and afraid that I let him in. He was mad. My front door was right next to my daughter's window and I didn't want to wake her up.

He pushed me against the wall and kissed me and started taking off my pants. He pulled himself out of his pants and pushed himself into me. I was frozen. I wanted to scream. He smelled so bad like alcohol and I tried to stop breathing so I couldn't smell him. I was so scared that my 3-year-old daughter would wake up and see what was happening that I just went along with it. And I continued going along with it a couple more times. I wanted to die.

"The last time" he showed up at my house I said no to go for a walk with him. I said no because it was after midnight and my daughter was asleep. He pushed himself into my house, went into my daughter's room and took her out of her bed. He put her in the wagon I had by the front door for our walks and he used her to make me follow him. I did. We walked for an hour not saying anything. When we got back to the house I put my daughter back in bed and he laid in my bed with me. He didn't touch me. He just laid there for a while then he left. I broke down crying and had a major panic attack.

I changed after that. I started binge eating and over exercising. My temper and mood became unpredictable. I started having panic attacks during everyday things like grocery shopping. I became a people pleaser. I pushed my boyfriend away. I was cruel and I hurt him. I resented that he wasn't there to protect me. As the best person and best relationship I had in my life started to deteriorate, I started drinking. I was angry and I couldn't place my point of anger. I was mad at everyone. I wanted to be protected. I wanted to feel safe. I hated myself.

I eventually told my friend who was also a Chief. She advised me to cut him out of my life. He had flirted with her too and she wasn't surprised by his behavior because he drank so much and was a pretty sloppy drunk. She knew the command wouldn't do anything. I didn't have any proof. I'll never forget how nonchalant she was as I told her about the thing that was making me want to die. How unsurprised she was.

I stayed friends with him. I eventually texted him sober enough times that he stopped showing up at my house. I told him that my ex-husband told me that his BMC saw us walking together. I used that threat of someone seeing him to scare him off. It worked. I didn't let my daughter stay the night at his house again after that. Our friendship was never the same and I think that holding onto the good parts of the friendship still blinds me to make bad decisions about people. One day many years later my husband would read the messages between us and flip out, telling me he was never my friend.

I never told my boyfriend at the time the whole story. I deeply regret that. I didn't know how to explain why I went along with it. I still don't. He deserved so much better and I'm happy that he found better.

I still have panic attacks. I struggle with being alone. I don't trust men. He ruined my life. I'll never be the same. I'll never feel good in my own skin. I've been to several therapists. Here are some trickle-down risk factors from the professionals I've seen that have helped me understand my reaction to him in my life and build compassion for myself so that my suicidal ideations would be more regulated: I had a traumatic childhood that consisted of physical abuse and abandonment. I had an emotionally and physically abusive first husband. I made risky choices to keep my life in homeostasis that depended on the resources I needed as a single mom. I didn't feel that my command would have believed me, not even the first line supervisor because they were all his friends.

I hope that if this is happening to someone else you are strong enough to stop it.