I Was Raped on a Cal Maritime Training Cruise. I’m Shaking as I Write This.

*This account was submitted to MLAA through our website’s anonymous contact form by the author, who claims to be a former student at the California Maritime Academy. MLAA does not know the author’s identity.*

I was raped on a Cal Maritime training cruise. I’m shaking as I write this, because I’ve never told anyone about what happened to me.

Out of fear of people connecting the dots and figuring out who I am, I’m not going to share detailed information about the assault or when it occurred. But we were on liberty in port on a training cruise, I got drunk, and I trusted that this person would take care of me. Instead, they got me alone and choked me as I tried to say “no.” 

I’m not the first person from Cal Maritime with a similar story from liberty in port, or from the training ship. Unfortunately, after this incident I decided to never sail again. I decided I wanted to work in a place where I could protect myself, and I wanted to get out of an industry that has such a toxic drinking culture. Since my assault, I have never touched alcohol again for fear of not being able to protect myself.

I never reported my assault to Cal Maritime for a number of reasons. Prior to the incident, and all throughout my time at CMA, I heard women and men whisper about what had happened to them, or to others, at the Rugby House. I heard them whisper about inappropriate things a professor said to them, and about terrible things that had happened to them in the dorms or on the training ship. 

But what was worse than these whispers was the talk of how they would be victim-blamed by CMA’s Title-IX coordinator when they came forward. They would be told by the school that what happened to them was probably their own fault, and that if they hadn’t been drinking it probably wouldn’t have happened. Or they would confide in a corps staff member about what happened to them, and instead of being helped, they would receive demerits because they admitted they were drinking or admitted they came back to campus drunk. This is why I never reported it. I knew the school wouldn’t help me if I came forward. I knew coming forward would only hurt me.

I feel very guilty that the person who assaulted me will never face consequences for what they did to me. I feel guilty that there will be one more bad person still walking around the industry, and no one will have any idea that they did anything wrong.  I’ve kept tabs on this person to make sure I never see them again, and I’m doing my best to move on.

I’ve blamed myself for what happened to me for a long time. But recently, after reading countless stories on this website, I’ve started to forgive myself for what happened to me, and for how I treated myself all these years. I am able to write this now because Midshipman-X came forward, and because, most recently, a favorite professor of mine from CMA came forward.

To all the brave humans who have come forward: I applaud you, I hear you, I respect you, and I thank you for giving me the courage to write about what happened to me.

I’m very sorry I’m not brave enough to do more.