I Was Raped On A Military Sealift Command Ship During My USMMA Sea Year. Speaking With A Therapist Eventually Gave Me The Mental & Emotional Clarity I Needed To Forgive Myself.
*This account was submitted to MLAA by the victim, a graduate of the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy*
I'd like to remain anonymous. I went to KP and during Sea Year I was raped by a military guy on a Military Sealift Command ship. I won't go into graphic details, but when I reported it to his Senior Chief, he told me to shut up about it because “it’s all speculative.” After he raped me, they moved my rapist to my watch, and as soon as we pulled into port my room was moved to be next to his.
During my senior year at KP I ended up reporting it anonymously to the SAPR. I did not take my case any further because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. I had been discredited for reporting an assault before when I was 17 years old, and then again when I was a KP cadet. I just didn’t think that anyone would believe me.
I was so against “victimizing” myself (which is another person's rhetoric and a word that is also toxic) until I skipped a mandatory sexual assault assembly one day at Kings Point. I found these seminars to be so triggering that I felt like I had no choice but to avoid them.
When one of my female CO’s noticed I was intentionally skipping the mandatory sexual assault trainings, instead of putting me on restriction, she encouraged me to seek help. She told me about things she had learned from a speaker who had come to campus. This speaker had talked about the chemical occurrences that happen within a rape victims’ mind. That conversation changed my life.
She taught me that there isn't only a fight or flight reaction. There's another possible reaction, which is to “freeze.” When you freeze, your brain shuts down any immediate decision making ability because it cannot find the best solution. This insight helped me come to terms with how I had reacted to my assault.
When you are the victim of a sexual assault, the worst thing you can say to yourself is “why didn't I just walk away, or why did I drink, or why didn’t I say something or push him off of me?” Or to tell yourself “It’s my fault.” It’s not your fault. Knowing that it was actually chemicals in my brain reacting to a traumatic situation that caused me to freeze was a profound breakthrough for me. This breakthrough allowed me to quit blaming myself.
Speaking with a professional and telling my story allowed me the mental and emotional clarity I needed to forgive myself and realize it was not my fault. There is strength in vulnerability and in telling your story. It is so hard to relive your trauma, but reporting can prevent another person from being assaulted. So I encourage all victims of sexual assault to seek self help and to report your assaulter. You are not an island. You are not alone.
The worst thing you can do after being assaulted is become your own enemy. Don’t listen to the people who will try to discredit you. People will tell you that it would not have happened if you weren't so nice. They will say that you would have been safe if you had covered up. But my overall message is to speak with someone. Don't let the bad days win. But also be proactive. Keep the dialogue alive.
After my anonymous reporting I started this “female mentorship program” within First Company for the younger female midshipman. It provided a space where we could have an open dialogue where we, as upperclassmen, had the opportunity to share our stories and to give underclassmen a realistic take on sea year, instead of the “dress like a man and maybe you won't get raped” crap we were all spoon fed by the Department of Shipboard Training. I have no idea if that program is still running in First Company or anywhere at Kings Point, but it would be interesting to see if some of your Midshipman followers can let us know if something similar still exists.
I've never met a woman in this industry who doesn’t have a story. A female Chief Mate I sailed with had to stop sailing for 6 years because of everything she endured working in this industry. She got her license in 93. I never asked for the specifics. It’s so fucking sad. She worked so hard to pioneer this industry just to be brutalized and traumatized by her own community. She is a veteran and true patriot. I idolize her for her bravery. We need to do better.